Eventually, graduation will come, and I have witnessed candidate after candidate express fear and worry about having to face the quoted “real world”, which will soon be just the regular world for us. I myself have been having new thoughts and feelings associated with recent realizations that there might be lives besides the one I intended to work for that I would actually want to live.
Until a couple of hours ago, those thoughts and feelings I had came with a level of urgency that probably contributed a lot to the mood swings and unnecessary anxiety that I have been having in the past months. I see now, though, that understanding my senior syndrome relieves me a bit.
I find that there are three common types of senior syndromes. The first is caused by anxiety about getting a difficult or a low-paying job, the second is caused by the idea of missing friends, and the third is caused by the pressure of having options that are tempting but the choice of which will have long-term, life-changing effects. What is bothering me right now is the third type.
For as long as I can remember until around June of last year, I was always aware of the kind of career that I wanted to pursue. When I was much younger, I loved mathematics. I thought of getting into pure mathematics, but I eventually found that my interests were more on applied math. Actuarial science intrigued me for a while, but that was very short-lived. Then, the moment I started writing code on my second year in high school, I had a sudden shift in devotion. I felt writing code was what I wanted to do. I loved the logic involved, and there were other reasons why I did not want more in-depth computing. Then I got into computer networks, and I enjoyed learning. I afterwards got exposed to actual systems and network administration, and I have to admit that I found (and still find) them enjoyable, but at that point, I was already writing more meaningful computer applications, and I felt that I wanted to become a programmer. That goal lasted for quite a while, but then last year I got into actual computational science, and all my interest in computing suddenly resurfaced.
In the past, I kept shifting from interest to interest, but I always knew what I wanted to do at that moment in time, at least. Today, I am months (at most) from having a Bachelor of Science in Computer Science degree, and I am an unqualified and a newbie mathematician. There are four paths that I imagine I could take. I could do software development, or get into computing research (although I probably would not be qualified enough for that yet). There is also the option of doing network and systems administration. Lastly, there is option of focusing on mathematics. One might say that my decision would have long-term effects on life, and others would argue that there should be no decision so binding because man is– and should be responsibly –free. However, the issue is not about myself being scared, but me being objectively aware of my possibilities and not knowing where to proceed, plus the need to make a decision as soon as possible.
That sums up my senior syndrome: I do not know where I want to go from here. That sums up my vague future.